Charity to offer Syrian’s swimming lessons before every Cruise.

Due to the disproportionate number of Cruise ships which sink between Syria and Italy, a British charity called “Sink or Swim” has been set up in order to help the passengers to not die in the water. Statistics show that the number of yachts and liners which sink in this stretch of water is inexplicably higher than anywhere else in the world with 99 out of every 100 ships which attempt to make the short hop across the water sinking. Some people put it down to the captains of the vessels spending too much time in the dining rooms with the other guests, or at the cabaret, others have said that there is often too much Moet and Chandon given out at meals and with no drink boat driving laws in place the captains often become inebriated.

“Sink or Swim” say that it costs just £30,000 to send a qualified swimming teacher over to Syria for 2 weeks to teach the basics of swimming to classes of up to seven children or five adults. Andrew Evans, from Llandudno, has already been over twice for this reason and when asked about how the lessons are going, he said, “The Syrian children are generally good, but it’s annoying that so many of them have allowed bits of themselves to be blown up. I have one kid Alexis, who could be a very competitive swimmer if he only had both his arms, but because he got himself blown up in his village he only has the one, and consequently he’s not very focused and spends most of the time messing about during lessons, swimming in circles and waving frantically in the deep end, things like that”.

When asked about the adults who are offered the lessons, Evans admitted, “Most of the adults won’t take the lessons. Syrians really do have a bad attitude when it comes to self-improvement. When I approach them and ask, “Do you want to get to Europe?” At first, they seem really into it and are enthusiastic, but as soon as we start the lesson, they usually lose interest and keep saying “Qarib, Qarib”, whatever that means. And they are such drama queens, a lot of the time they then start crying and I try to tell them not to be such babies, but their grasp of English is really embarrassingly bad, and obviously I’m not going to learn Syrian, or whatever they speak.

As with most charitable endeavours, there will always be naysayers and “Sink or Swim” is no exception. Some people in parts of Europe have questioned whether it is a good idea to offer refugees another option for getting here. Especially since some of them could be ISIS members and if they are swimming it could be difficult to detect a suicide vest under their wetsuit. UKIP in England and the National Front Party in France have both vowed not to donate money to the “Sink or Swim” charity and say they will encourage their supporters to do likewise.

UKIP supporter Gemma West said, “We goh plenn’y o’ Bri’ish kids ‘ere in Eng-ger-land ooh cann’ swim, why are we learnin’ those foreigners teh swim b’for we learn our own kids teh swim? This is the why we ain’ compeetin’ in no Olympicz no more innih? In the ‘lympics in 2021 foreign kidz will beah’ Bri’ish kidz in swimmin’ and it ain’ noh’ cuz we don’ noh learn Bri’ish kidz ow to swim like we learn dem foreign kidz innih. And they don’ even know how to speak Engerlish proper.’

After months of research “Sink or Swim” discovered that “Qarib” is Arabic for boat. Since this seems to be the most popular preference for crossing the Mediterranean Sea they have decided to offer the Syrians “An idiot’s guide to building your own boat” at a reduced price of just twenty pounds, but sales have yet to take off. It is two months wages for some Syrians and most of them can’t even speak English, let alone read it, or have access to a dry dock. With all these shortcomings, one has to question their commitment to even getting to Europe. And why they can’t just book a cheap flight online with Ryanair, like the rest of the world does, is beyond me.